Independent Pages

Hello again. I haven’t written much in a while, though I really need to. I want to make this more of a blog than anything else, but stalkers are all too common throughout bloggers…
Paranoia is about the only thing that stalks me. It goes hand in hand with worry, and sadness, and above all, the sense that I’m alone in this world. My best friend and I recently had a huge fight. It hurt me. It still does. She told me to look at myself. I said I did and that I hated what I saw. The reply was, “So does everyone else.”
Being told by the person I thought was my friend that not only she but everyone else hated me was… I don’t even know how to put it. I was down from something else already, and it crushed me. Mostly because she was right.
I have never felt so alone…
In eleven days my birthday occurs. In eleven days I will be so happy. I hope. But one thing I’ve learned is that hope is dangerous. A double edged sword. It gives you strength to carry on, something to look forward to. And there are times when our hopes prove to be true. It feels so good- to have what you wanted. But other times we get dissapointed. Heart broken. Crushed. And that is the absolute power of hope- it can kill as much as can bring to life, can hurt as much as it can heal. But no matter how hard we try, hope comes. It’s part of human nature. We can’t avoid it. I can’t.
Hope is why my heart is bruised and beaten to hell and back, why it hurt so much when I was told by one of the people I loved most she hated me. I cry so hard in the middle of the night because of it, when darkness surrounds me and paranoia with sadness, dashed with worry and loneliness swallows me whole. That’s just my life at the moment.
I can only hope it gets better.

This has been Kimiri Moon.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 4th, 2010 at 5:09 pm and is filed under Blogged Up. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.